Saturday, March 14, 2009

Bullseye On My Back???

Ever notice how so many TV commercials make men out to be helpless half-wits? I'm starting to think WIMMIN are believin' that stuff.

Deb hates to do the grocery shopping. She's a browser. I'm not. I have it down to a science. Takes me less than an hour to get a $200 order - & get home & put it away.

So I'm at the deli.... Here's THE DELI LADY....

Me - I'd like 1/2 a pound of Boar's Head Imported Swiss please.
Deli Lady - The Publix Brand is cheaper
Me - Thanks but I'll stick with Boar's Head
Deli Lady - Huffs & puffs & rolls her eyes like I'm an idiot - "It ain't my money"
I order 3 more items - each time she gives me an attitude & a speech about belt tightening & cutting out frills. People are starin' at me.
Deli Lady - There's really no difference between brands. You're just wasting money.
Me - (Now I'm annoyed) Lady ... My wife prefers Boar's Head. I don't even look at lunchmeat so I could care less. It's my money to waste - not yours. Just get the stuff sliced so I can get outta here.
Old guy waiting with his ticket starts to laugh. Deli Lady is fuming.
Me - (One more jab - commenting to the old guy) "Can you imagine that some moron acually married her... on purpose?
Deli Lady slams my lunch meat & cheese on the counter - Old guy laughs out loud.

Coupla hours later I decide to get a haircut. The barber that's never open, isn't open. I go to a joint next to Starbucks, all Wimmin hair cutters. Get in the chair.
Me - Yaknow, I think I want it short. How 'bout a flat top?
Lady - You're dreamin' - hair's too thin for that.
Me - Well aren't you diplomatic. Look at it as your biggest challenge of the day.
Lady - Least ya don't try the comb over thing like Donald Trump.
Me - It's thin - not gone! (True - it's thin, but the thinning hasn't progressed)
Lady - If you say so....
Me - Guess we'll see if you can do miracles so ya get a tip.
(She did a good job - gave her a $5 tip)

My dad taught me to cook.... which means I can't cook. Tonight we weren't in the mood for a big dinner - in or out. Deb decided she wanted chicken. I detest chicken so I said, "I'll make one of those frozen pizzas later."
Deb - I'll make it for you. (She's in another room adding pics to FaceBook)
Me - I can do it. How tough can it be to stick that in the oven? Do what yer doin'
Deb - Okay - Don't burn it.
Me - (sigh!)
So I read the directions, heat the oven to 475, pop it in & return to the book I'm reading.
Deb - Later... from the other room..... Is your pizza done?
Me - Nah... it's got about 5 minutes to go. Meanwhile I'm running to the kitchen knowing it's gotta be burnt. It is. Now I have a dilemma. I ain't admittin' to burnin' the pizza. I can't eat the whole thing & don't like 'em anyway. Frozen pizza with black cheese is even worse. So... I eat the pieces that are the most burnt... to hide the evidence. I choke some of it down, wrap up the rest & throw it out. Maybe Deb will think I was hungry after all & wolfed it down. All is good. I'm in the clear.
Deb - Half an hour later - How was the burnt pizza?
Me - Whaddya mean?
Deb - (Laughing) I smelled it burning, that's why I yelled out to ya.
Me - Wasn't burnt THAT bad.
Deb - Was the cheese black?
Me - Yeah. Guess some of it was. Maybe just a little.
Deb - Yeah....right.... just a little.



Joylene Nowell Butler said...

Dave, I feel for you. Weird as this sounds, all the men I ran into yesterday were as dumb as the ladies you seem to attract. lol.

Happy Sunday.

Anonymous said...

Mike E-
Bummer man,nothing worse than burning a frozen pizza. Im always trying to convince myself its not burnt when it is.

Rebecca Ramsey said...

Poor thing.
I burned a frozen pizza this weekend myself, and I'm one of the WIMMIN, so I don't know what's up with that.

Man, what a rude deli lady. I love the picture!

JaxPop said...

I ain't cookin' anymore. I'm good with cereal (cold) & PBJs.

Ronnie said...

You rest your case!!!
I love burnt stuff! That's how I solve it.
Joe says, "You burnt it."
I say, "I like it that way."
Joe says, "so, what about me?"
I say, "Are you hungry?"

I Love yer story tellin', dave!

Careann said...

Methinks you must have issues with taking directions from wimmin! Then again, it's rumored that men have trouble asking for directions, too. lol

Great stories. You should write a book. ;)

Gary said...

Here's an idea, next time you're at the deli counter and you have the same person (and I'm guessing you will run into her again), order in thirds of a pound. No one does that, throws them off.

JaxPop said...

I'm so far behind with this blogging stuff - just wrapping up a pediatrics center & had a book signing yesterday so it's been nuts.

Joylene - I deal with dummies everyday. A real test of patience.

Mike - You already know about my culinary skills, so no fair commenting.

Becky - I'm shocked! You were probably just engrossed in your new book. Hope that's goin' well.

Ronnie - You're a riot. I'm still laughing about being called a knot heat on your blog.

Careann - I NEVER ask for directions. If I'm lost - I drive faster. Once we got lost 20 miles offshore in our boat (I messed up the GPS), ended up 30 miles south of our inlet. Had I listened to Deb that day - probably could have saved 20 gallons of fuel. She turned out to be right with her idea of the correct heading. I told her we would end up in Belgium if I went THAT (her) way. (Had I hit the reset on the GPS - I woulda been fine.)

Gary - Next time I get that deli lady I'm gonna try that. Too funny.

Anonymous said...

My husband is always burning popcorn. Well, he insists it isn't burnt, but it sure smells burnt.